The FemBot's Rules for Tipping

Alright guys and gals, it has recently been brought to my attention that some folks might benefit from a little refresher on the rules for tipping waitstaff. I worked at a variety of restaurants during my college years, and I consider myself something of an expert on the subject. I was never one of those really great waitresses (the term “server” bugs me) who never forget to refill your drink or bring your dressing on the side. I was at best an adequate waitress who was not likely to spill anything on you or bring you the food for another table. In short, I rarely generated the desire among my customers to lavish me with extravagant tips. I was your basic part time worker just trying to make a decent living at a job that allowed me to adjust my work schedule to accommodate my class schedule. I was Waitress Everywoman, and I have some wisdom to share with you.

Rule 1:
Tip at least 18% if your server didn’t call you mother profane names. Server forgot your extra lemon? Didn’t bring your side of ranch? So what? Point it out politely, and chances are it will be rectified immediately. Have you ever erred? Forgotten anything? Were you punished by those around you? Your new rule is 18% for bad but not rude service, 20% or more for anything better.

Rule 2:
Look around. Is the restaurant crowded? Did you have to wait to get a table? That means your server is stretched to the limit. Does he or she have any control over that? No. So keep in mind that you are not the only customer, and if your sweet tea goes below the halfway mark for awhile, cope.

Rule 3:
Round up on the tip. Don’t strain your brain trying to calculate exactly how much 20% is. Divide the dollar amount by 5 and round up. If your bill is $46.35, don’t leave $9.27, leave $10. Or even $12. If the difference is an amount you would not bother digging out of the crack in your car seat, don’t worry about it. If a third of the customers followed this rule everyday it could actually make a difference in the standard of living for your server. Also, don’t ask for change for a five dollar bill in order to leave three dollars and fifty cents. Just leave the five. You’d pay that for a bad cup of coffee and a stale donut anyway.

Rule 4:
Get off your high horse. On more than one occasion I have heard this argument: “I don’t tip because it’s not my responsibility to pay the restaurant owner’s costs. He should pay his staff better, rather than expecting the customer to make up the difference.” Blah, blah, blah. First of all, if you were actually concerned about what the owner is or is not making off of your visit, you wouldn’t go there in the first place. How does stiffing the server punish the owner? You still paid for the food and drinks. It’s cliché, but true, the tip should be considered part of the dining experience.

Rule 5:
Consider your mood. Did your boss yell at you this morning? Was your husband late without calling? Don’t take it out on your server. It is not his or her job to make you feel better. Not only is your server trying to meet your needs and desires, but it’s possible he/she is doing so after the boss yelled or the spouse was late. Show a little compassion and overtip when you’re in a bad mood. You’ll feel better.

Rule 6:
Don’t blame the server for mistakes made by the kitchen staff or management. I actually had a customer tell me that he wasn’t going to tip me because his mashed potatoes were cold. How was I supposed to know that? Do you want your server to stick his or her finger into each of your dishes to check the temperature? If there’s a problem, make it known and accept a reasonable solution. This is not your chance to play emperor.

Rule 7:
Never, ever, ever make threats regarding the tip. Customers who say things like “Take good care of me and I’ll make it worth your while.” or “There’s a good tip in it for you if you do a good job.” are just insulting. I never met a server who thought that the customer making these comments was anything other than a self important jerk. And if you threaten to withhold the tip the likely result will be that the server will assume it’s a done deal and put you at the bottom of the list for service.

So there they are, the FemBot’s rules for tipping. Follow them faithfully. You won’t always get great service, but it’s unlikely anyone will spit in your food back in the kitchen.

On a lighter note, a few of my experiences as a waitress will stick with me forever. I worked in a national chain seafood restaurant. One winter afternoon a man and his two children came in. It was cold and rainy outside, and the restaurant was nearly deserted. He and the children were seated in a booth near the window, because most people prefer a booth to a table. At one point he told me it was cold in the restaurant, and asked if I could turn up the heat. I told him I couldn’t do it, but that I would mention it to the manager. I did that, but the manager said the thermostat was as high as she wanted to put it. In fairness to her, it did not seem cold to me, and I had had no other complaints. All I told the customer was that I had informed the manager of his request. I asked if I could move him and his children to an interior table where it might be warmer. He declined. Toward the end of the meal he called me over. He was a “low talker” so I had to lean over to hear what he was saying. This is often a control tactic. He informed me that he knew the staff wanted to save money by not using the heaters while business was slow (it was mid-afternoon, the slowest time for a restaurant), but that it was uncomfortably cold and he wanted the heat turned up. I told him again that I had talked to the manager. He became quite angry and informed me that I was not getting a tip. I told him that I really had no control over the thermostat, but I knew it was pointless. I’m guessing he had pulled this before. Whether he actually fooled himself into believing that was the reason he didn’t tip or not, he was a real piece of work. That was at least ten years ago, but I still remember what a jerk he was and how petty and cheap he seemed.

It's Not About You

The past two weeks have been filled with little moments of bliss. My children and I have been buying gifts for the children we selected from the Angel Trees. If you’ve never done this with your kids, you are really missing an opportunity to teach compassion and generosity while affording yourself the opportunity for some sweet memories.
My children are seven, five, and 21 months. A boy in the middle, girls on each end. We’ve been choosing children to buy for who are similar in age to our kids when we can. This year we have a four year old girl from the Prison Fellowship Angel Tree and a four year old boy from the Salvation Army Angel Tree. Most years we do the Samaritan’s Purse shoe boxes, too, but this year I missed the deadline. My kids were pretty disappointed. This is the first year we have participated in the Prison Fellowship program. We will actually get to deliver those gifts to the child, or at least to her mother.
Basically I put my older daughter in charge of choosing the gifts for the girl based on the information we have as to her needs and wants. Ditto for the boy. This is where the joy comes in. My kids work so hard to try to fill these requests! There is no jealousy, no attempts at a one for her one for me deal. It took my daughter about 20 minutes to decide between two princess dresses. She was torn between "more pink" and "more glitter." I told her the little girl wanted a pretty dress to wear to church so she chose a beautiful red velvet and then informed me, "Mom, she really needs some new red shoes to complete the outfit." Hard to argue with that reasoning! My son is pretty intrigued by the fact that he and the little boy he selected wear the same size clothes. He keeps telling people, "He wants a bike, action figures, and clothes just my size." He’s a very literal kid.
My children have a lot of "stuff." However, 90% of if came from yard sales. Almost all of the new stuff they have came from grandparents and aunts. The first year they were old enough to understand that they were choosing toys to give away I thought they might be jealous. After all, they almost never get a new toy, still in the box with all the parts. But they never point this out to me. They go about their selection process with diligence, determined to get just the right thing for this child they’ve never met. This year my son has asked several times for a toy he saw on Gramma’s TV. I told him there is no way we are buying it, so he said, "Well, can we get it for Jose?" Jose, of course, is the Angel Tree kid who wears clothes just his size.
Each child who receives these gifts will hear at least a bit about Jesus. My own children are learning about the importance of putting others ahead of yourself, of giving to the least of these. I think it’s getting through. Last night my five year old prayed, "…and thank you God that we bought an action figure for Jose."

Book Banners and Other Despicable Creatures

There’s a big controversy in the area where I live regarding books available at the public school libraries. It’s a fairly familiar story. A child brings to her mother’s attention some very graphic content in a book, the mother checks it out, and is appalled to find that it reads like a cheap porn paperback. The mother brings it to the attention of the librarians who defend it as "literature" which children have a first amendment right to read. And no, the book in question is not Lady Chatterley’s Lover. It’s a book called Push by someone who calls herself Sapphire. I’ve read excerpts of it, and it’s pretty graphic and disturbing. I haven’t read the whole book because A) the little library I take my children to doesn’t have it, and B) I’m not about to subsidize it by buying it! I have checked out the reviews on Amazon, and from what I gather it’s a brutal story of a young woman’s miserable childhood. One of the sections that I have read describes in detail the girl’s father raping her when she was a toddler in diapers. Horrifying. Truly, truly horrifying. Horrifying because it actually happens. Horrifying because it is so outside the realm of what I have ever dealt with personally.
So let’s all agree that child molestation, incest and rape are heinous crimes which actually do take place. And let’s further agree that intelligent, caring people should not pretend that they don’t take place simply because they are happening outside of their sphere. I want to get that out of the way, because that is not the topic of my rant today.
No, my topic is this insane idea that young people need to be exposed to all the brutality in the world in order to appreciate it, that parents should not have control over when, where, and how their children are exposed, and that Mr. & Mrs. Taxpayer should fund it. Oh, and let’s not forget that librarians and public school teachers are better equipped to choose your child’s reading material than you are.
Back to our little controversy. The mom in this case asked that several books be put in a special section and that students could only check them out with parental permission. Immediately the calls of "book banning" and "censorship" rang out across the nation. There were letters to the editor and articles calling this mom ignorant, racist, unfit, and just about every other derogatory name you can imagine. The facts didn’t matter: The fact that she asked that the books be put in another section. The fact that the books in question could not be read aloud on the evening news or printed in the local paper without violating obscenity rules. The fact that librarians in this school district were forbidden to tell a parent what books his or her child had checked out. None of these facts was important to the people who were determined to ensure that teens and children could read anything, anytime, anywhere, and that the taxpayers would foot the bill. The whole thing was pathetic. There were public meetings where teachers and librarians spoke about the need to let children explore. There were long speeches about the Constitution and how vital it is not to trample on the rights of minors to read about adult men penetrating toddlers. I wonder if this same group is that vocal about protecting the second amendment? Hmmmm. But I digress… Some of the most ridiculous stuff I read were the letters from parents saying that librarians are professionals, and we should all leave it to them to determine what’s appropriate. I guess the fact that the American Library Association website had links on it that led to the Go Ask Alice site which would tell your child how to keep his or her rectum clean before and after anal sex, and how to clean blood out of S&M equipment was just one more example of how these professionals have kids’ best interest at heart.
I know a few librarians on a personal level. In general they are nice, normal people. But the very idea that parents would demand that they themselves be removed from the equation and that only the "professionals" determine what kids have access to is insane. More insane when those same parents have been handed excerpts from books assuring kids that experimenting with sex with multiple partners of both sexes is healthy. One of the books in question explains how one girl uses her hands on her boyfriend when her mouth gets tired. Yeah, no junior high education is complete without that information.
So anyway, I’ve exhausted my anger about this subject for now. I’ll revisit it soon, and until then you can get more info at http://www.wpaag.org/Books%20-%2035%20Bad%20Books%202nd%20List.htm That site has excerpts from some of the books in question. Needless to say, it’s not safe for work. Imagine that. You could get fired for reading something at work that your child can check out from the school library without your knowledge or permission.

So I'm kinda pissed at NASA

So I'm kinda pissed at NASA. Do you think they care? I absolutely love the space program. I wanted to be an astronaut for years. I even majored in physics the first three years of college. That was before it dawned on me that astronauts really need to care a bit more about details than I do. So since then I’ve admired from afar. I have a little internal celebration every July 20th. I was in my high school library when Challenger exploded, and I thought I was going to faint or throw up. I was in a daze for some time after. I was driving to a baby shower, of which I was the host, when Columbia exploded. I had to pull over and put my head down. I spent the first part of the baby shower crying and feeling sick about it. Then I realized that the expectant mom deserved better at her first shower, so I excused myself to kitchen duty, and the festivities continued without me. My daughter’s third birthday was shortly after September 11, 2001, and I wanted a theme that celebrated the greatness of the USA, so she had a red, white and blue party with a spherical moon cake, complete with craters and a candle astronaut planting an American flag. I think you get the point. I love NASA. But I have awakened each of the last 3 days to more bad news regarding Disovery.

In a nutshell:
they launch Discovery amid a plethora of announcements that it's the safest shuttle launch in history..................
during launch a piece of insulating foam breaks off and hits the shuttle. deja vu.............
then while it's up, they announce that the fleet is grounded, cause they just can't get that foam problem under control..................
so a thorough inspection of Discovery reveals that there appears to be no MAJOR damage from the foam, but there are two pieces of ceramic fabric dangling on the underbelly..................
the big debate is whether or not to try to fix it before reentry. To do so would mean the first ever under-the-belly space walk, first every major repair while in space, and there's the possibility that the robotic arm the astronaut would be on could hit the shuttle and damage it..............
if they choose not to fix it, they have to hope that it doesn't cause a reentry overheating problem ala Columbia

I’ve got that old sick feeling again. I have no idea if the engineers were anxious to show they could get the shuttle up again, or if the bureaucrats were pushing, but this looks pretty shoddy. Could I have done better? No, that’s why I don’t launch people into orbit. I’m still fully supportive of the program, still starry eyed over the whole thing, but something’s gotta change.

Things I know to be true........

So this is the first entry in my blog. My dear husband set it up and made it idiot proof for me, which I truly appreciate. Now, I’m not an idiot, but I am a busy homeschool mom of three, and I tend to procrastinate, so he did me a wonderful favor by setting it up so all I have to do is rant. I have used his mastery of all things techno as a crutch for many years. Through it I have managed to learn almost nothing about the inner workings of these intrawebs, and I kind of like it that way. Should he ever leave me for a geekier wife, I shall have to force my children to learn html!

So what’s this blog about? Well, early on you will notice that I frequently begin sentences with the word "so". This is a result of countless hours of chatting via IM with my sister and husband. I’ve adopted a very conversational tone when it comes to typing. Be warned that when I get on a roll grammar and punctuation might go out the window. (Spelling’s fairly ingrained.)

My husband has said often that I am denying the world a great resource by confining my rants to family and friends. Since I always agree with him when he’s flattering me I decided to put this out for the world to see.

Things I know to be true:

1) Truth exists.
2) There are things worth dying for.
3) Women in the United States are not oppressed by a vast right wing conspiracy.
4) There is no vast right wing conspiracy. I wish there were, we could use a little organization.
5) The needs of children outweigh the needs of adults.

There are plenty more, but that will do for the first entry. Check in from time to time to comment, argue, whatever. I welcome all sides, though I reserve the right to tell you when you’re wrong.